The Confused And Chaotic World Of Me

Thats If You Care


Today Your Getting A Short One
moving weed
wild_cat_6988
So today wasnt a half bad day infact right now I am getting a really good back massage from my Bob. So if you cant tell this is going to be short and sweet. I got my fine paid today funny story in fact I thought the fine was going to be about $100 and it was only $25. The lady that took my payment over the phone was really nice. She did it with the quickness and that made it all the better. Then I talked to the people at Rosies and they said that the $10 charge should be off my account soon she tried to explain it to me and then we talked about what happens if it dont come off. She said that all I would need to do is take her my statement and she would take care of it. Remember the name Stephene how ever the hell you spell it. So those two things are taken care off.

Now I just have to worry about him..... So that it for tonight WISH ME LUCK. NIGHT.
Tags:

Missed 3 Days Damn
moving weed
wild_cat_6988
So its been 3 days of not posting, and I said that I was going to try and keep this thing updated atleast one or two lines everynight. I just have been busy with work and trying to keep myself up and some what content. Its not really working BTW. I mean yes I dont really have time to think about things when I'm at work, because I'm busy. But when I'm not busy its the only thing on my mind. Its crazy I am starting to think that I might just have to let him go, because I dont think I am going to be able to get myself out of this place or this hole that I am in. It is killing me to know that I am thinking about letting the one that I love so much walk away because I cant leave my family. How am I souposed to make my own family and be happy, when I cant leave them here alone? I love my family dont get me wrong but how can I grow up and be on my own when they cant be healthy, safe, and taken care of with out me. I know it seems that I am making myself something that I am not, but sometimes I feel that they wont be able to survive with out me. I mean who will make sure something doesnt happen when I'm not here. Shit I dont even know what I mean anymore.

Anyways today was bad. Not a good day at all I got smacked in the face be this little boy and his mom didnt even say anything to him. I thought I was going to smack the shit out of the boy and then his mom, for not doing anything but telling him to give me a hug. Shit I am not his brother or sister you cant say sorry like that to grown people. Then this little shit head spilt his milk on me. Oh and then she said that the two boys 3 and 1 must be getting hungery so she needed to nurse them. A 3 year old for real. This crazy woman tried to take off her shirt right there. Camera and all. She just got on my last nerve. Then later I had a customer make an appointment when I was on lunch for 4. Then at 3:45 they called and said that they were going to be about 15 mins late I told them that we closed at 5 and they needed to be there asap. Well these fuckers showed up at 4:45 rude as hell. Acting a compleate ass. The little boy was cute but bad, and the mom was a ditzz. Then the daddy started to hit on my talking about I was looking sexy and shit and that he wanted to get my number. All the while his girl is out in the store trying to get something for the little boy who was in my arms to eat. Rediculous. I swear cheaters are all around me. Anyways the day was just bad, ended in a good night, but horrible. So thats it for me tonight I am going to hope that tommorrow turns out to be better. NIGHT

Today, Today
moving weed
wild_cat_6988
So today wasnt the best day in the world but it was better than a week ago. My little brother got on my last nerve today and I thought that I was going to snap for real. I took him to the doctors today with Mom and I guess it when ok. They wanted to take X-rays so we went over to the hospital to do that. This little boy acted like a compleate ass. I mean for a 9 year old you would expect them to act a certain way and he acted like a 3 year old. I mean sitting in the chair was a task for him. He had to throw his legs around and kick things I swear it was just rediculas for real. Then while talking to the registering lady he was laying all over me and pushing me when I told him to stand up on his own he wanted to huff and puff and then threw himself onto the divider, can you say bad. Then when we got back to X-ray they wanted him to get undressed and had him to go into the little changing room after like 10 mins I wanted to know what was taking him so long I open the door and he is sitting on the little bench trying to go to sleep. I asked him what he was doing and he told me that he was trying to get his clothes in the bag. Well after they got done they wanted him to wait to get dressed so they could check the X-ray and make sure that everything was clear and what not, they finally came out and said that he could go so he went back into the room. Another 10 mins and nothing, so I wait like 5 more mins and still nothing I go to check on him and the door is locked I knock and he doesnt say anything. I knocked again and still nothing. Finally I kocked like the police and he finally answered me talking about he was putting on his shoes. I think he was trying to go to sleep again. He had told me earlier that he didnt want to go to school and I think he was trying to stall so he didnt have to. All day this boy has been acting up even when we went and got him luch and was driving him to school he was talking back and acting like a fool. When he got home he kept it up with the talking back and acting an ass. He first can in an ate this huge ass sandwich it had like 5 peices of bread and like 4 peices of meat on it, then like 45 mins later he made a bog of popcorn, and then he ate something else. All the while comming in here and asking to have what I had. Crazy little boy. I just hate it when he lies and says shit that makes me look like I'm the crazy one. He did that a lot today.

Anyways back to what I normally talk about. My love. So I saw him again today, that makes 3 days in a row. Today it was because he locked his keys in the car and I had to go and let him it. See I said there was a reason that I kept the key, what would he do without me? Really what would he do? So I spent about 30 mins with him. I know not a lot of time but still at this point anything time is good. I talked to Mom about him staying the night on my birthday and she said that, that was ok. That made me feel alittle better. So I know that shes not that pissed at him. I talked to her about my birthday too and she said that we would take each other out on the 20, which works since Bobby wants to spend my actual birthday with me. I also talked to Jessica and she said that we would go out on the 30th instead of the 29th, and that we would party until Sunday, and I think that sounds pretty damn good. So all in all my days are starting to look up. I just got off the phone with B. and hes home safe and sound, his friend that hes staying with took him out to the bar tonight he said that he was moaping(however you spell it) around the house and he wanted to try and cheer him up. I thought it was a nice gesture and told him to have fun. I normally would have liked flipped out but I am trying to show him that I trust him and think that he wont do me wrong. That being said I did have the thought about what he he met someone while he was out and was drunk but hopefully his heart is still mine to the point that he doesnt want anyone else other than me. I know that at this point I dont want anyone else but him and thats sad because if you had of asked me a week ago the thought would have crossed my mind. So So Sad. I think I'm sprung all over again, and I dont know what to do with myself. Anyways its getting late and I need to go to bed I have to work in the morning and I am really trying not to be late. Hope tomorrow is better an today or at the least as good as today, because I am in a good mood right now and that is making me feel a lot better. So I am going to end with this I LOVE MY BABY, SO MUCH!!! NIGHT
Tags:

Things Still Look Good
moving weed
wild_cat_6988
So today not as good as yesterday but still in a pretty damn good mood. Sleep today was the best. The T-shirt trick helped a whole lot. I thought that when I couldnt just fall straigh alseep last night that it was going to be hopeless. But to my amazement as soon as my mind stopped running at super sonic speed I drifted right off to sleep. It was wonderful, I didnt dream and when I got up this morning at 7:10 to put CJ on the bus I felt well rested. Like really rested. Although I did go back to sleep and I ended up sleeping most of the day away I felt like I needed it. It was really refreshing to be able to sleep and not dream and to not have to cry yourself to sleep. It was to say the least wonderful. Well not that I have boasted that shit to death, we move on.

Speaking of the devil or at least my angel, he is calling..... well now I want a kiss so hes on the way here.

Ok back to earth. Yesterday I was talking to Mom and she said that we needed to do an exercise to see if the good in our relationship out weighed the bad. So she wants us to take a piece of paper and on the front write the good stuff that the other has done for you and in another column write the bad that they have done to you. Then flip the page and on the back write the same except write the good you have done for them and the bad that you have done to them. I told him to do it, and he said that he would. He told me that the next time he saw me he would have it done and that we could disscuss it then.

He just left its been. Its been an hour standing outside with him, talking and getting my share of kisses in. I told him that I didnt think that the parts of my body could tingle like that anymore, he laughed and told me that he didnt know it was. I told him that when he kisses me it makes me weak in the knees. Well it does and to be honest it hasnt in a while. I thought that we were aproaching the end of our relationship and this move that he has made has brought back feelings and emotions that I thought were long gone. I love him so much and I swear that when he leaves it takes my breath away. I know that sounds crazy but something that I have come to realize since he left is that I am crazy as hell and I think that he was unknowingly evening me out. I think about him all the time and the more this progresses the more confident I am that just maybe we can make it through this thing. I think that he might have made the right choice for the both of us. He said that he knows I'm still mad and he knows I'm still sad, and even though he now thinks that this was not the smartest decision he has made, he thinks that it was the right one. I cant argue because he is right in many respects about this. First off now that we are not together every second we are starting to realize what the other person was doing for us, to make our days go by just a little better. Also during this time of reflection we are having our own time to get to know about ourselves. He said that we were comfortable and lost sight of what we were trying to do, and he is right when he says that. I lost the fact that saving money and getting a better job so we could go out and get our own place was what was important. I can say that since he has left that I am putting forth more effort to find a place and a better paying more hour job. Its just a shame that it took this extream mesure to make me realize how much he means to me. I have, on more than one ocasion treated him like he wasnt the best and now I realize that, for me he is the one, I want to be with forever. Ok now that the reflection period is over. I am going to carry my butt to bed and wait for him to call me and let me know that he got home safe and sound. Well Night
Tags:

Actually Sitting With A Smile On My Face
moving weed
wild_cat_6988
So today was a really good day. First of Mikka had a interview first thing this morning and for once she didnt just clam up. She said that she did really go and was herself in the interview. So it looks halfway good for her. They said that they were interviewing a few people for the two jobs they will have becoming avaliable. So I'm happy for her. Plus she had a few minutes to herself today since granny had colt and Brad had Gracin.

On to me. Well Bobby came and saw me today like he said that he would and that made me very happy. He brought me a T-shirt and made sure that it smelled like him, by wearing it again before he got there. We had lunch actually we had a very long lunch I went on break at 2:07 and didnt get back until 3:23, I personally thought that it was funny. I wasnt going to rush our lunch at all and I took my time with it. Its not like I was going to have anything to really do when I got back anyway. So we went and ate, and we talked. Boy did we talk. I gave him the list "of DEMANDS" and he read it. He said he wanted to keep the paper incase he forgets what he needs to do to keep me happy. I thought that, that was sweet. So we talked and were for the most part very civil to each other. I said somethings that I had to get off my chest and so did he. It felt good to be able to talk and not cry whenever he looks at me. It was hard at some points but I did pull through. We talked about how he is planning on getting things straight and getting out on his own. For the most part his plan sounds really good. There are still some points that need to be worked out, but thats to be expected when your just learning on how to be on your own. Hes got the saving money to get the apartment down its the monthly payments that are not figured out just yet, but I have faith that he will get there. He looked really sleepy and he ate like he hadnt in days. I dont know if thats the case but I am worried about him. Talking to him on the phone is going to not be the strong point in this point of the relationship. I am going to have to see him to get some words and time out of him. At this point of the night I refuse to let anything make my day bad. When we got back from luch he ended up staying there with me until close like I said its not like I was going to be doing anything. He hugged me like 20 times and these were those long deep hugs. When we first got back and I went to the back of the studio and was putting my purse away. He came up behind me and started rubbing my back and massaging my back it felt so good to have his hands on my skin I was about to melt under them. He flipped me around and kissed me so deeply that my knees started to shake. I havent felt that way is such a long time I forgot how he used to make me feel. When we first started out that was how I felt about everything that he did. I mean to be honest the little bit of time in the back of the studio made me so wet it was crazy as hell. I stood there in utter shock when he was kissing me and holding my face and started to feel the old tingly feeling all over my body I had to stop him before it went to far. He talked about taking it back to the old times in the car, I dont think I can really go through the car again so I'm thinking that I am going to try and get a hotel room atleast once a month either when we both dont have to work or when we have to go in late the next day. I am starting to think that maybe this break is going to be a good thing for us, I mean in just less than a week I understand that some of the things that I put him through was really just mean. I know I made him jump through some really big hoops while he was here and for that I am sorry. I appriecate him so much more, and its only been 5 days. I see him from a diffrent perspective right now and I think that I needed a reality check. Trust me when I say that I miss the shit out of him and yes I am still mad that he left but its starting to get a little bit better. Well that being said I am going to try and get some sleep, hopefully with the addition of his T-shirt, that BTW smells so good, to the pillows I can trick my mind into being peaceful. Well wish me luck NIGHT.
Tags:

I Think That My Life Is Comming To an End!
moving weed
wild_cat_6988
So I just got off the phone with him and we got into an argument, and I dont get why. I havenet seen him since Saturday the 9th, and I miss him so much why are we arguing? I dont know what to do with myself right now. I an feeling so lonley, and vunerable right now, I need to be with him. I dont know what to do. Help me someone... I need to know that he is going to be honest and true to me. Everyone keeps telling me that I am going to be OK. I know that eventually I will be ok but right now I am dying on the inside. I feel like someone reached down and ripped my heart out of my chest. People tell me that saying that I am dying is not helping the situation but thats the only way that I feel like I can express how I feel right now. I feel like there is someone sitting on my chest, and punching me in my face. I dont want to argue with him and I dont want to be mad at him but I need to let my pain out some how. I love him so much and I miss him so much I cant breathe anymore. He doesnt even tell me he loves me anymore, you dont know how much that hurts me, why cant he be in the pain that I am in? Hes the one that left and I am the one thats so sad. Why is that? He left me I'm the one that is trying to get ahead and make it, and he left me. Maybe if I had of kicked him out I would feel diffrently. But I guess you cant take the past back. So how do i move on? I think that its not affecting him the way that its affecting me and that makes me think that he has already moved on... So how do I pick myself up and make something out of nothing? How do I trust another man? How can it not hurt him? See this is the time that my thoughts get caught up and I think things that are not nesicarilly true. He said when I talked to him that he got off at like 9:30 p.m. and he didnt even think to call me until 11:30 what the hell could he have been doing? I look at these pictures of us at happier times and I think where did that go? What happen to us that made us hurt each other so much and what happen to us that made us so unhappy? My body hurts so much I need him here my back hurts my stomach hurts my heart hurts everyhting on me hurts and longs for his touch. I need him to be with me and I need to be with him. I think I might die without him for real, like I think that I might really off myself if I lose him. I dont think that my heart can take another man killing it. I can not survive my life without him. I think that if this doesnt work that I am going to end up calling this quits, and just understand that I am meant to die alone and with no one. I mean of course I have family that loves me and trust me I love them as well, and yes I know I have friends that care about me, and I care about them, but there is nothing like the love of my life.

Text Message being sent now: Im sick of you not telling me you love me or miss me anymore I need to hear it You may not want to say it but its a little thing that means alot to me. Like the T-shirt.** Not to hurt you or to sound any type of way but if you dont love me or miss me anymore just let me know. I'm not trying to b a bitch or b annoying but i have to have something to hold on to. and you can say I will be ok an I will but it still hurts.

The T-shirt: I told him when I talked to him on the phone I told him that when he comes and sees me he needs to bring me a T-shirt and make sure it smells like him. I know that I am going crazy now. I just really dont know what to do anymore. Ok look let me stop for the night and try and get some rest I dont think that tomorrow is going to be any better but damn if I'm not going to give it a good faith effort.

Something thats never changed since day one of this journal: I cant spell for shit. LOL I acutally laughed maybe it will be better.
Tags:

Still In Need Of Help!!
moving weed
wild_cat_6988
So today was deffinatly better than yesterday but it still sucked ass. I am really missing him right now, and I dont think that the trees or the vodka are really helping. Thanks to Jay I got a little more sleep last night than the night before. We talked yesterday and he finally showed me a little emotion, he let out some tears and told me he missed sleeping and waking up next to me. I think that was what was making me the most upset was that he wasn't showing me any sence of pain. He said that he was trying to be strong and that it was tearing him up inside. I dont like the feeling of being alone, and right now I feel like I am all alone here. I havent had the thoughts of cutting myself in over a year and now its all my brain can think about. I just want to see the blood and feel a diffrent kind of pain. I need something thats tangible and has some type of physical reaction. I just feel like shit right now. Thinking about the time hes normally comming home and I realize that hes not comming home. This is hurtung me so bad right now. He said that hes going to come and see me at work on Tuesday I need to be able to talk to him. I want him to know that I miss him like crazy and that, I am a crazy ass bitch and that if he fucks with me he will feel a wrath like no other. I want to make sure he understands that in our seperation if he decides to cheat on my I will find out and I will be pissed. I also want him to know that as much as it would break my heart if he wants to be with someone else while we're not together in the pysical sence he needs to just end this relationship so I'm not holding on to something thats not going to happen. I just need to be with him. I never thought that he wouldnt be in my life. He woke me up this morning to make sure I got to work on time, since I had such a hard time yesterday making it in. We talked for a couple of minutes and something he said hurt me to my heart. He said that his current living situation is not permanete, and I asked when he would have a permanete place to stay, and he said when he gets his own spot. Then he said that he might have to go back to NY to his mom's. I didnt say it but I know that if he ends up back in NY hes not comming back. I swear when they leave me and go "home" the forget about what was here. I have this fear of being alone and I know thats not what you need to base a relationship on but damn I feel like if I loose him thats it for me. I think I might die. I want him to be sucessful in this and I do want him to get his life together because I know that we were not going anywhere and that we were only bringing each other down, but in the same breath I dont want to spend a day with out him. I swear, I never since we really got serious thought about spending my life without him. I really dont want to go through life knowing that if this seperation is the end that it was because I didnt give it a chance. I hate the fact that he listened to someone that was one the outside and didnt even asking what I thought. I know I am rambling but I have to get this out before I lose my mind trying to keep all this in my head. So here I go I am going to try and get my head staight, and put what I need to say in a list.

1. I want to say that yes I am "CRAZY" but, I would prefer to not be lead on.
2. I need to be told every night "goodnight" and that you love me.
3. If you feel the need to be with someone else just let me know so I'm not just sitting here waiting.
4. Try before you give up and go back to your mom.
5. Atleast once a month (if it takes that long for us to get right) we spend some real time together.
6. I need to see you and spend some type of time with you atleast once a week, even if its just for 5 minutes.
7. Try and attempt to keep a loving relationship with my brother, he looks up to you and he misses you, also hes worried about your well being as much as a nine year old can.
8. Dont treat me like were something were not, I am not one of your boys that you just chill with I am your girl the one you say you love.
9. Can you explain to me what it is that you are planning to do to make this work and get yourself on your feet?
10. Last but not least I want you to know that I am dying with out you in my life.

I hope I can remember all that well actually I know I am going to end up writing it all down and just taking it with me, I dont want to get my words all twisted when I do get the chance to talk to him. Anyways Im bout to get off this thing cuz my butt is hurting and I want to get something to eat.
Tags:

(no subject)
moving weed
wild_cat_6988
Its been 102 weeks since I last updated this thing, and as I always say its gotta be bad when I do.

But as always this seems to be the only safe haven for me to let my true emotions and feeling about the things going on in my life out.

Well lets see I dont even know if I let you know that I met someone new on October 31, 2007. His name is Bobby, and we have been together since then. He moved into the house that I share with my mother and brother about three weeks after meeting him. At first I thought that since he was in the navy and he was attemting to get his life together that things for us and to be honest me was going to be looking up. Well like I said he moved in, in November of 07 and hes been here since. Well that was until yesterday, yesterday he walked out on me. Well more like stolled out. Trust me I get where he is comming from, in that this current situation is not bringing us up but tearing us down. But I feel like I lost my best friend. I just dont know what to do with myself anymore. I really feel like laying down and dying right now. I want to give up so much right now. I hate the feeling that is coursing through my body. He says that this move doesnt mean that were broken up or anything but I cant for the life of me understand how you can go from living together and spending each and everyday with someone to not even being able to see their face on the regular and expect it to all be the same. I need it to be the same I dont want to lose him I am so sick and tired of being alone all my life. I swear its like the good ones always get shited on and the ones that dont desereve are always reaping the benefits. I just really want to go up to him and punch him in the face and say how could you do this to us how could you do this to me?? I just need to know is it over or should I hold on to this relationship and hope that it works out for us?? I think that this move is the stupidest thing that he could have done at this point in our realtionship. The thing is that a mutual friend of ours told him that it was best that he leave and to be honest for good reason. There is no reason a grown ass man should be living under his girls parents roof. But in the same respect there is no reason he should have just up and decided to leave with out even asking me what my opion is. Yes I know that an opion is just that nothing more and nothing less, but atleast he would have known what I was thinking. Instead he relyed on she said he said bullshit. Yes the friend of ours told him that I wanted him to leave and that was not the case. I did say that he was on the verge of having to leave if things dont start moving forward instead of backwards. I hate that he listened to that shit and it didnt even register to him to ask me about it. When she said that all he was worried about was matterial things that we had gotten together I asked him because I wanted to know if this was true. I;m sitting here looking at the clock as I have been doing all day preparing for him to get off and the I realize it doesnt matter when he gets off because hes not comming home. I think that I am losing it and at some point I think a trip to a mental hospital is in my furture. I know that sounds weak, and at the same time the thought of a rational person, but I cant stop thinking about what that blood looks like as it dripps off my body. I really and lost with out him. How do you have a break down over a TV and not being able to control the volume with the remote? I was late to work this morning because apparently I cant figure out how to set the alarm in my room. Its amazing to me that it was really the small things that he did for me that was holding my fragile life together. I havent showed crazy in such a long time, that its scareing me. At this particular second I am happy, a little tipsy or whatever thanks to my babe, Loving her right now. So I guess I'll come back to this tommorrow, and finish up. Wish me luck on going to sleep though.
Tags:

Ok Here Goes
moving weed
wild_cat_6988
Its been 74 weeks since I last updated, and that is an all time high for me. Lets see whats been going on with me. Nothing much chillin as everyones, or anyone that care knows Matt and I are not together. He left for Guam got there and decided drugs and a one night stand type of bitch were enough to make him forget about the promises he made to me. Its all good though I look at it this way what doesnt kill me makes me a hell of a lot stronger. I was depressed at first but that lasted all of like 2 hours, then I got over it. I changed jobs you know I cant stay still for to long. A year and a half at a bullshit job was enough for me. Not to say that the job I have now isnt bull shit. But it sure as hell pays better. I hate the manager but what can you do you cant win everything can you? I met this new guy and I like him a lot and he treats me like a queen most of the time. Hes so not my type though like if he was walking down the street I wouldnt have looked at him twice I know thats kinda mean but its the truth. Then like back when we first started talking, well hanging out he was one of those I liked to get walked all over people and you know I hate people that cant take up or talk for themselves. Hes getting better though. I love him and yeah I have said that shit about a few guys, in this journal. I dont know why this one feels different. But like always this one feels that way for me. I really care bout him and I know he cares about me hes got his own set of issues but I feel confident that with some help and support he can work it out. I think I'm actually happy again. I mean I know I was happy before he came along but he makes me smile even when hes not trying. I dont know I feel like a dork and I know that no one reads this thing anymore and thats all good I just need to get my real feelings out there so when this turn either for the best or maybe for the worst I will have something to look back on and smile. I love you Bobby you got me.

DAMN
moving weed
wild_cat_6988
So his ass left me yesterday morning and I'm now running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I am so hurt but I understand not the less, I really miss him and its only been about 24 hours since I last talked to him. I love that boy, and I hope that my love for him will be the thing that brings him back to me because I dont know right now if I am going to be able to go on with out him. What am I soupossed to do? I am left here with nothing to do and no one to talk to. Everyone left me, Kim, Al, Vanna, and Drew went to Florida, Mikey and Matt are on Guam, and Im here waiting. So I'm going to tell the world right now, if he doesnt come back and were still "together" I will be atempting to fly half way across the world to kick his ass. His parents told me that when he comes back if he doesnt want to live in Va with me that we can go to Florida and live with them. That would be weird in a way except for the fact that I damn near lived with them in the 1st place. Um when I get the pictures developed I'll put some online so you can see my baby. Or as I like to call him my husband. Well Im out love ya'll.
Not Like your read this I love you Poopie

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