- Still In Need Of Help!!
- January 10th, 2010
So today was deffinatly better than yesterday but it still sucked ass. I am really missing him right now, and I dont think that the trees or the vodka are really helping. Thanks to Jay I got a little more sleep last night than the night before. We talked yesterday and he finally showed me a little emotion, he let out some tears and told me he missed sleeping and waking up next to me. I think that was what was making me the most upset was that he wasn't showing me any sence of pain. He said that he was trying to be strong and that it was tearing him up inside. I dont like the feeling of being alone, and right now I feel like I am all alone here. I havent had the thoughts of cutting myself in over a year and now its all my brain can think about. I just want to see the blood and feel a diffrent kind of pain. I need something thats tangible and has some type of physical reaction. I just feel like shit right now. Thinking about the time hes normally comming home and I realize that hes not comming home. This is hurtung me so bad right now. He said that hes going to come and see me at work on Tuesday I need to be able to talk to him. I want him to know that I miss him like crazy and that, I am a crazy ass bitch and that if he fucks with me he will feel a wrath like no other. I want to make sure he understands that in our seperation if he decides to cheat on my I will find out and I will be pissed. I also want him to know that as much as it would break my heart if he wants to be with someone else while we're not together in the pysical sence he needs to just end this relationship so I'm not holding on to something thats not going to happen. I just need to be with him. I never thought that he wouldnt be in my life. He woke me up this morning to make sure I got to work on time, since I had such a hard time yesterday making it in. We talked for a couple of minutes and something he said hurt me to my heart. He said that his current living situation is not permanete, and I asked when he would have a permanete place to stay, and he said when he gets his own spot. Then he said that he might have to go back to NY to his mom's. I didnt say it but I know that if he ends up back in NY hes not comming back. I swear when they leave me and go "home" the forget about what was here. I have this fear of being alone and I know thats not what you need to base a relationship on but damn I feel like if I loose him thats it for me. I think I might die. I want him to be sucessful in this and I do want him to get his life together because I know that we were not going anywhere and that we were only bringing each other down, but in the same breath I dont want to spend a day with out him. I swear, I never since we really got serious thought about spending my life without him. I really dont want to go through life knowing that if this seperation is the end that it was because I didnt give it a chance. I hate the fact that he listened to someone that was one the outside and didnt even asking what I thought. I know I am rambling but I have to get this out before I lose my mind trying to keep all this in my head. So here I go I am going to try and get my head staight, and put what I need to say in a list.
1. I want to say that yes I am "CRAZY" but, I would prefer to not be lead on.
2. I need to be told every night "goodnight" and that you love me.
3. If you feel the need to be with someone else just let me know so I'm not just sitting here waiting.
4. Try before you give up and go back to your mom.
5. Atleast once a month (if it takes that long for us to get right) we spend some real time together.
6. I need to see you and spend some type of time with you atleast once a week, even if its just for 5 minutes.
7. Try and attempt to keep a loving relationship with my brother, he looks up to you and he misses you, also hes worried about your well being as much as a nine year old can.
8. Dont treat me like were something were not, I am not one of your boys that you just chill with I am your girl the one you say you love.
9. Can you explain to me what it is that you are planning to do to make this work and get yourself on your feet?
10. Last but not least I want you to know that I am dying with out you in my life.
I hope I can remember all that well actually I know I am going to end up writing it all down and just taking it with me, I dont want to get my words all twisted when I do get the chance to talk to him. Anyways Im bout to get off this thing cuz my butt is hurting and I want to get something to eat.